Do I Really?

I come across a lot of questions that start with, Do I really? While I was doing chores tonight I was singing Mica Tyler’s song Different.  The chorus just kept ringing through my mind, pushing out the usual chatter and planning that’s going through my mind while I’m working.

I wanna be different
I wanna be changed
‘Til all of me is gone
And all that remains
Is a fire so bright
The whole world can see
That there’s something different
So come and be different
In me!

And suddenly something struck me and I had to stop what I was doing, put down the bucket I was carrying, and consider.

Do I really mean that? Do I really want to be different?  Do I really want God to change me?

I don’t like change unless it is on my terms. I don’t like doing anything new unless I know what to expect and what exactly is expected of me. Naturally, this causes problems when God is pushing me to do something. The first things that often come to mind:

“You want me to do what now? No, that’s waaaaay out of my comfort zone.”

I don’t need to recognize, the man in the mirror
And I don’t wanna trade Your plan, for something familiar
I can’t waste a day, I can’t stay the same

How many times have I missed out on amazing opportunities, friendships, and spiritual growth because I wouldn’t let go of what was familiar?

I don’t wanna hear anymore, teach me to listen
I don’t wanna see anymore, give me a vision
That you could move this heart, to be set apart

And I don’t wanna spend my life, stuck in a pattern
And I don’t wanna gain this world but lose what matters
And so I’m giving up, everything because…

I wanna be different
I wanna be changed
‘Til all of me is gone
And all that remains
Is a fire so bright
The whole world can see
That there’s something different
So come and be different, ooh

I know that I am far from perfect
But through You the cross still says I’m worth it
So take this beating in my heart and
Come and finish what You started
When they see me, let them see You
‘Cause I just wanna be different

 

I want God to change me, I want to be different than I am now. I don’t want to constantly be pulling away from what He wants me to do because it’s unfamiliar and I might fail.

I want unbelievers to see that there’s something different about me, and maybe I can help plant the seed that will guide them to what I found, who found me.

I have been stressed and anxious all summer to some degree, and lately, it has gotten really bad. I’m dizzy all the time, and I’m so nauseous most of the time I can barely eat anything.

And then a couple days ago I just shut down. I laid down on my dirty living room floor in desperate need of sweeping and I just laid there, totally and completely overwhelmed. I wanted to cry, but that just made me feel even worse because I felt like that would be childish. So I picked up my phone and turned on Pandora. The very first song that came on was Just Be Held  by Casting Crowns. and for the next half hour or so, I laid there on the dirty floor and let myself be held.

The only way I can explain it really is that my soul was irritated and wouldn’t rest. It felt like a sunburn being rubbed with sandpaper. But when I turned the music on and heard the words I finally just let God hold me. I think the Holy Spirit uses music sometimes to remind me that I don’t have to have it all together and it’s ok to just want to be held.

The music softened my heart enough to finally ask for help, and it was like the softest cool breeze on the most beautiful day was caressing my soul.

KJV Psalm 42:11 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise Him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.

This wasn’t really how I’d intended to end this post, but I felt like that was important. When I am really needing help, or I just can’t explain myself how thankful or joyful I am, I sing my prayers. I pray while I sing, and that has brought many questions and realizations about myself that have challenged me and made me grow.

What about You? Have you ever had a similar experience because of music?

Comment below what your favorite song is right now and I’ll go listen to it. I like to hear new ones I haven’t heard yet. I like a pretty wide variety of music so don’t hold back!

One thought on “Do I Really?

  1. I think I know what you mean.

    God pushes us to change, and like you, I hate change. It scares me because I’m always afraid that I will be worse off than I am now.

    Of course, we as the clay have no right to say to the potter, “How dare you make me this way!” Hehe, no.

    Change can absolutely be good, but while we may intellectually acknowledge that, we may not spiritually. Either way, God will get what He wants; either leading us calmly or dragging us kicking and screaming.

    I know my comment is almost a year late, but I hope and pray you get through this rough patch. Music definitely helps. That’s why many of the Psalms were originally composed as music! God knows how much power music has, and He enjoys being praised and worshiped through it. And sometimes, God will give you a song to hear exactly when you need it. He has for me, and He has never ever left me, even as I hurt or cry or become afraid. He is a good, gracious God and we don’t deserve His mercy.

    God bless,
    Brianna

    Liked by 1 person

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