You wouldn’t want to be inside my head

You wouldn’t want to be inside my head. It’s a depressing place to be, full of tormentors and all manor of unpleasantness. 

The smile on my face for all the world to see, even when fake, is sometimes then only little thread holding together all the broken little pieces of this soul’s heart and mind. 

A smile hides a lot, and is easily faked. Put on the mask often enough, and you won’t remember how to take it off anymore. 

I live to try to make someone happy even when I’m dying inside because when I see them smile because of me, suddenly I’m a bit less lonely. For a short time, I meant something to someone.

But then they find someone else, or they move away, and I am once again pushed to the wayside and forgotten. 

Did I do something wrong? Did I talk too much, not enough? Did I say or do something stupid? Should I not have even tried? Am I really so easily forgotten entirely? 

I don’t understand, and my own stupidity is fuel to the never ending monster in my mind, slowly driving me insane

The monster rises from where it had been resting for a time. “Stupid”

I despair the second I hear it. I thought it was finally gone.

“Idiot” It’s tongue spits out a dagger, sinking right through the meager sheild I tried to raise.

“Ugly” another blade, hits my sheild.

“Useless” a crack forms

“Nuisance” a bigger crack appears.

The beast crept closer, “Why do you even bother? You know they have lots of other friends. They don’t need you.” Another blade, another crack.

Sensing nits impending victory, the beast continues to mock me, every word like hammer blows. “Look how pathetic you are! Crying in your room, scribbling in a little book like a child because no one wants to be your friend. It’s no wonder the other girls make fun of you! Grow up already! But you can’t even do that right can you?” The monster sneers, and finally my sheild crumbles to dust
I’m tired. Tired of being easily replaceable.Tired of always being afraid.  

“Just get over it!” “There’s nothing to worry about.” “Just pray about it.” “Just let it roll off like water on a duck’s back” “Toughen up” “Just talk nice to yourself” “It’ll get better someday” “Just do it!” “You’ll make friends someday” 

“I know what you’re going through, I didn’t have many friends at your age either.” “But at least you had even one.” I want to scream at them. “You do not know what it feels like to be starving for a friend, and at the same time, be scared senseless at the first hint of someone being friendly, because you know how this goes, you’ve done it all a dozen times before. They act nice, you hang out, you talk, maybe you even have a little fun, but then they abandon you without a second thought just like all the rest.”

As well meaning as they are, parents and others really don’t understand, and all of those sayings don’t do me any good. I DO pray about it! A LOT! If I could just, “get over it” I would! I hate feeling helpless all the time.

You would think by now that my heart would be used to getting broken. 

THIS is what it’s like inside my head. Not quite all the time, but often enough break me. Shatter me.

For all the world to see, I’m a bubbly, happy, cheerful, optimistic nineteen-almost-twenty year old girl who has everything going for her. But I also have anxiety that I actively try to hide because I feel like it makes me weak, like it makes me a disappointment, which fuels my depression. 
As ugly and depressing of a place it is, this is kind of what my mind can look like when I fall into a pit. This started out as an entry in my journal, but for some stupid reason, I’m putting it here instead. I went so long without even realizing why I was suffering(anxiety), that I guesse I hope maybe some other desperate person might read this and know that there is at least one other person out there who’s falling apart too, even when they feel like they should have it all together. 

The (self imposed)expectation to be the perfect daughter, the perfect cowgirl, the perfect friend, the perfect student, the perfect violinist, the perfect horse trainer, the perfect anything is crippling. 

I’m not ever going to be those things, and I hope, someday I can learn to love myself in spite of that. But for now? For now I’ll settle for “I’m trying”

Outside I’m smiling, but inside I’m dying

2 thoughts on “You wouldn’t want to be inside my head

  1. I just turned 20 and you sound like you’re in a similar place to me. To me, it feels like I’m running away from this dark pit and I’m tired, I’m so damn tired but I don’t know how to stop running because if I do then I’ll fall into the dark pit of depression, deeper and deeper until I suffocate.
    Stay strong ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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